Shane 的个人资料Tales from the Crypt照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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8月30日 random madnessSOMETHING TO BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE!
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her
2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 million dollar bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 million dollar bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 million dollars each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
EXCELLENT READING AND INSIGHT!
This should be a model for the US policy. Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks. A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you", he said on national television. "I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said. Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off", he said. Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It" I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians." "However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia." "However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand." "This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle."
"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom" "We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the language!" "Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented.
It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture." "We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us." "If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like " A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others. "This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."
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DOH!
A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL. BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED"; THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD. A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.
SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD ANDTHE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.
THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!"
THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."
SO THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF?"
"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS.
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AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST......
Life in a Mental Hospital
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him," Kevin! What are you doing?" Kevin replied, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he Stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Kevin, how you doing?"
Kevin says "I'm exhausted. I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing?" To which Ed replies,
"Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Chicago".
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So, I let the dog out to use the bathroom this morning.... and turn around to go get a cup of coffee..... I walk back outside about 5 min latter.... and lo and behold! my dog has dug a hole to china! (see enclosed pics) I go to give him a verbal scolding and he flashs me with a smile.... sheesh Iam a sucker!
Hope everyone is doing well! still busy, still working, and living life.... I lurk dont post much lately.... but winter is coming... and Iam sure that my blogging will pick up! say Hi if you stop by! I still check my site and others all the time!
Take care! Shane
P.S
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by encouraging class hatred. You cannot help the poor by discouraging the rich. You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves. -Abraham Lincoln ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 评论 (8)
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