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August 30 random madnessSOMETHING TO BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE!
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her
2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 million dollar bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 million dollar bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 million dollars each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
EXCELLENT READING AND INSIGHT!
This should be a model for the US policy. Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks. A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you", he said on national television. "I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said. Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off", he said. Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It" I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians." "However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia." "However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand." "This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle."
"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom" "We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the language!" "Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented.
It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture." "We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us." "If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like " A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.
We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others. "This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."
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DOH!
A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL. BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED"; THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD. A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.
SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD ANDTHE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.
THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!"
THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."
SO THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF?"
"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS.
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AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST......
Life in a Mental Hospital
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him," Kevin! What are you doing?" Kevin replied, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he Stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Kevin, how you doing?"
Kevin says "I'm exhausted. I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing?" To which Ed replies,
"Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Chicago".
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So, I let the dog out to use the bathroom this morning.... and turn around to go get a cup of coffee..... I walk back outside about 5 min latter.... and lo and behold! my dog has dug a hole to china! (see enclosed pics) I go to give him a verbal scolding and he flashs me with a smile.... sheesh Iam a sucker!
Hope everyone is doing well! still busy, still working, and living life.... I lurk dont post much lately.... but winter is coming... and Iam sure that my blogging will pick up! say Hi if you stop by! I still check my site and others all the time!
Take care! Shane
P.S
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by encouraging class hatred. You cannot help the poor by discouraging the rich. You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves. -Abraham Lincoln ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ August 24 just a quick noteBeen super busy lately, and have not had a lot of time to post! Ive been busier than one legged man in a ass kicking contest! anyways Ill post some awesome pics and storys latter on in the week! for now though.... youll have to enjoy this...... (click on the picture to enlarge!)
Shane August 08 updateHmmm, havent been around much lately.... sorry to all my friends! been busy working and trying to keep a roof over my head! hmmm not to much has been going on besides work... oh yeah! got a new truck! (not brand new but close enough!) my dog is growing by leaps and bounds! hes teething like a mofo! his canines are coming in and he looks like an alien right now! hahahaha anyways Ill write more soon, got some stuff you might find funny!
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THE ULTIMATE BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how ! to get it started." do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box ________________________________________________________________________________________ The differances between woman and men 1. NAMES 2. EATING OUT 3. MONEY 4. BATHROOMS 5. ARGUMENTS 6. CATS 7. FUTURE 8. SUCCESS 9. MARRIAGE 10. DRESSING UP 11. NATURAL 12. OFFSPRING 13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY __________________________________________________________________________ This is my new company mascot logo thingy ma jiggy what do ya think?
August 01 Iam back with juicy juicy stuff!!!Well where to begin.... last week I wrote that Katies parents where coming out for the weekend and also that Katies mom has suffered a spider bite. Well the test results came back and apparently she didnt have the infection that was suspected so..... they pumped her full of more antibiotics and told her to come back the next week! excellent! what a relief! with that I found out at 3:00 in the afternoon on thursday that they where on there way out from seattle..... (its 4.5 hours to drive) so..... the mad dash to get the lawn mowed, the grocery shopping and the house cleaning was on! looked like monkeys fu*king footballs around here for a few hours! hahahah! oh yeah I almost forgot! Iam going to be a movie star! yep its true! so I just find out that the parents are on there way out when I get a knock at the front door... Iam like who the hell is that? so of course the young dog Angus the German Shepherd has got to go into pyscho barking mode, Iam in cut off sweat pants, white t-shirt, unshaven, with a big ole copenhagen in my lip and a can of beer in my other hand, I walk to the door and I see a woman police officer (sheriff) and some dude standing next to her.... Iam racking my mind.... thinking what the hell did I do now? something from the past... no... hmmm what? so I calm Angus... and do not open the glass door... I say what can I do for ya? they reply... can we have a few minutes of your time? after a pause.... I say "yeah sure" so I open the door and step out onto the porch (for some reason Iam expecting handcuffs!) and Whoah! there is a camera crew! Iam like whats going on? The woman Sheriff informs me that a level 3 sex offender has moved in up the street! Iam like thats just flipping great! (the camera crew is now zeroning in on me) so she tells me of his crimes and that he cannot be within 500 yards of children ... blah blah blah... and would like me to call the police if I see him around kids.... Iam like "so I cant chain him up to my jeep and drag him around the block??!!" the Sheriff replys nah just call the police as she chuckles.... (all the while the camera crew is zooming and scooping!) the conversation turns to Angus the German Sheperd and the man that is with the Sheriff says "beautiful dog ya got there!, what is He about 10 months old?" so being the proud daddy Iam, I puff out my chest take a drink of beer and reply "nah hes only 4 and a half months old" I get the ooohs and ahhs from him at this point as well as the usual hes gonna be big! I says yeah... hes quite the handfull right now... chewing like a demon and now his doggy manhood is starting to drop, so I says yeah... heck maybe Ill just hold the ole pervert down and let Angus have his way with him...hahahahaha course the Lady sheriffs frowned and all the men where snickering... about that time the camera crew informs me that they would like me to sign a release and that they are making a documentry on sex offenders living in suburban neighborhoods.... Iam like sure! so I sign and they leave.... so at this point Iam chuckling at myself for my wit... then I start thinking oh great... I looked like some redneck in my cut off shorts, t shirt, and beer and copenhagen! hahahahah They will probably twist what I said to make me look dumber than I did! hahahahah what a dork Iam....
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So Katies parents where in town and I have to say we had a fantastic time! we all went over to my Mom and Dads Saturday and had a BBQ, my sister and bro in law ( the infamous nate) sat around the the ole bs'ing table and had a grand time! did I mention that Katies mom and dad have 3 dogs? 3 dogs that they take everywere with them? (2 golden retrievers, and a sheeee-poo) that along with Angus the German and my moms cocapoo it was quite the circus! but fortunantly for all involved everyone got along great and they had an acre to run around on. Its so nice when everyone just clicks and gets along and you can feel like you have known someone for years instead of hours (my sis, my bro-inlaw, my mom, and my dad have never meet Katies folks) turned out awesome! Monday came around and we decided to go the the Seattle Seahawks training camp out in Cheney Wa, didnt know what to expect but it was quite fun! Katies folks brought two footballs with them and between the 4 of them we got some awesome autographs! (see enclosed pics) heck I even meet Matt Hassleback! (quaterback) anyways Katies folks left earlier this evening... I could write a lot more of this weekend but I think I covered all the bases! WE HAD A WONDERFULL TIME~!!!!! anyways enclosed a bunch of pics! enjoy!
Shane
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Heres a joke I found funny!
Miranda rights
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Heres the Photos! enjoy! |
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